Something To Make You Smile

Wedded Blitz

The minute I walked into the post office, the postmaster noticed the new earrings my husband had given me.
"Those must be real diamonds," she said.
"Yes," I said. "How could you tell?"
"Because," she said, "no one buys fake diamonds that small."
--Deborah Caudell
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When a woman in my office recently became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest," she said.
"How long have you been married?" I asked.
"Ten years," she replied.
--Tonya Winter
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"What is that sound?" a woman visiting our nature center asked.
"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist, explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other."
The woman nodded sympathetically. "The trill is gone."
--KathyJo Townson

TRUE STORY! As a follow up to this shoebox gas joke (which I, of course, passed on - and it passed on to the faculty of a local college) this phenom within this last week, has now become known on campus as I-Poding! I think I really don't want to know why so many teachers think this is hilarious. And they say the students are the raunchy ones! :-))

What I learned from the Easter Bunny!

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.
Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

Happy Easter!

Real cute. I like that one Shamashe.

I am so glad our criminals are getting dumber and dumber, makes it much easier to keep up with them. lol

Wilderness Trip

The first carload of Boy Scouts had left my house minutes earlier, bound for our three-day wilderness trip. As I backed my own van load of Scouts out of my garage, I noticed a pair of hiking boots on the back steps, so I stopped to retrieve them.

An hour later, we caught up with the first car, which was parked at a highway rest stop. Seeing me pull up, my assistant Scout leader rolled down his window. "Your wife just called on my cell phone," he said. "She asked if you knew anything about the plumber's boots that were on your back steps."

Measuring Hunger

"The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.

A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers.

"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed.""


***Having a house full of teens, I can surely appreciate this. Who knows, I just might try it one day. lol

Subject: Who is Reading What (from the Bush administration)

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their
statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave
Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country
and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on
the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while
intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but
need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is
a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that
they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are
handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal
aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are
not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the
grocery store.

12. None of these are read by the guy who is running the country into
the ground.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
.. Enjoy!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

I loved that! That is having fun and doing your job. lol


Robber Visit

"A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.

This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!

As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."

Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?"

The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical
studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

4. The Italians and the French drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you

Odd isn't it? Good conclusion.

Toaster Request

When my son was two or three and learning the ways of American life, he watched me place some bread in both slots of our toaster so that it would be ready to cook just before serving.

Considering the opportunity, he pulled a chair to the counter and politely asked, "Mommy, may I flush the toaster?"


Some of these aren't real funny but they come to my inbox from a christian site and though they could be funnier, some of them I just like. Like when kids say the silliest things.



A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: 500 dollars If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all heck breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five 100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"


A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.

Oh my goodness. That is so funny. It looks like fun to me. lol