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 Something To Make You Smile

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mohala
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Wed Feb 03, 2010 8:41 am

I just could not resist this one. I had to post it. Im still laughing!!!!


Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65 year-old fr=end of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
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Shamashe
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:46 pm

Mohala, I laughed about the 65 yr. old for a hour!


This one's kinda funny! Edited for content.
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory..
26... Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the - bleep - is going on.
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PostSubject: Something to Make you Smile   Thu Feb 04, 2010 10:07 pm

Those were very funny!! The 65 year old childbirth was hilarious, and the one liners had me laughing so hard!!! Thanks for the jokes!Gives us the laughs we need in a day!

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mohala
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Fri Feb 05, 2010 9:33 am

Im glad all are enjoying the funny posts, and Shamashe the one liners are so funny. I need to laugh everyday like this.
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Shamashe
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Mon Feb 08, 2010 2:29 am

No Male Bashing intended here!


MAN VERSUS WOMAN - MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they=2 0want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items..

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend..
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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countrybelle2004
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Mon Feb 08, 2010 9:55 am

Not one of those things is true about my husband! (Every single one of them is true of my husband.)

I love the ending thought for the day. That is so true, isn't it. Terrible, but true. lol

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mohala
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Mon Feb 08, 2010 9:58 am

To true Shamashe. To true.
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timbo_sf2
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Mon Feb 08, 2010 11:55 am

very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very true
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Shamashe
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Tue Feb 09, 2010 1:50 am

Here's one for you Timbo :-))

Why Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear no T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000. Tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. Y
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!
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PostSubject: something to make you smile   Wed Feb 10, 2010 6:21 pm

I read this yesterday during my devotional time and thought I would share it. I know a lot of you are in the middle of a ton of things, just like I am, and this hit me where I'm at right now.

"May he give you the desire of your heart, and make all your plans succeed." Psalm 20:4

"It is hard to rest in God when life keeps us scrambling from one demand or crisis to the next. Yet those are the times when we are most in need of depending utterly on him. "

"Here is a truth that will sustain me no matter what life brings: Christ is still here. When he walks in, it doesn't mean everything outside is okay. It means I'm inside, and I'm okay, because he is here with me."

"Even though the circumstances are terrifying, Christ is never afraid. And we are never alone. He is with us, and he has set us free."

John 8:32 "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. "

This goes along with the story of the disciples in the boat and the storm comes. They come to him and ask, don't you care if we die? He quiets the waves and the wind and they are amazed. I too am amazed when he quiets the problems and fears in my life.

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countrybelle2004
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Wed Feb 10, 2010 9:45 pm

You gotta appreciate his honesty!


This company has no love for our policemen!





I guess the Bud Fund worked out after all.

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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Fri Feb 12, 2010 12:11 pm

Answering machine message 03


You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...



Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP


Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

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mohala
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Fri Feb 12, 2010 12:18 pm

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PostSubject: Something to make you smile   Fri Feb 12, 2010 12:34 pm

Those are funny! Thanks for the laughs!

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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Sat Feb 13, 2010 10:42 am

People do the craziest things. Check this out.


NEW YORK (Reuters) - Deal or no deal? An online exchange between a woman looking for a husband who earns more than $500,000 a year and a mystery Wall Street banker, who assessed her potential for romance as a business deal, has cause quite an Internet stir.

The anonymous 25-year-old woman recently posted an ad on the free online New York community Web site Craigslist, newyork.craigslist.org/, appealing for advice on how to find a wealthy husband.
"I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all," the woman, who described herself as "spectacularly beautiful" and "superficial," wrote.
"I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. $250,000 won't get me to Central Park West," she said, asking questions like "where do rich single men hang out?"
The mystery banker, who said he fit the bill, offered the woman an analysis of her predicament, describing it as "plain and simple a crappy business deal."
"Your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity ... in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!" the banker wrote.
"So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset," he said. "Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!"
"It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease," he said.
While the woman has since removed the ad from Craigslist, it -- along with the response -- has become a popular email joke that, bank JPMorgan Chase says, led to one of its bankers mistakenly being credited with writing the response.
Brian Marchiony, spokesman for JPMorgan Chase, said the banker did not write the response and that his email signature accidentally became attached to the ad and response when he forwarded it to friends and it then wound up on blogs.
Craigslist was not immediately available for comment, but a spokeswoman told The New York Times that "it does look as if the post was made sincerely."
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Sat Feb 13, 2010 2:36 pm

Geez! I guess that's no worse than the new 7 yr contract marriage. lol
Remember when love brought people together? Wow, those were the days.

lol

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Shamashe
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Sat Feb 13, 2010 9:35 pm

Wow! amazing what relationship has come to these days!

Mohala, those other pic, cracked me up lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Sat Feb 13, 2010 9:43 pm

Getting Old Ain't For Sissies!

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!

Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A senior citizen said to his eighty year old buddy:

"So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.

I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with

you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually

at 7 PM, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me

such beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs, and what's there

but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took

me out for dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was - lobster,

champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show.

Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL!Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old guys are out walking.First one says,"Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morris, an 82 year old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a

gorgeous young woman on his arm.


A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said,

"You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:

'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that.

I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully,

up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."
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countrybelle2004
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Sat Feb 13, 2010 10:59 pm

That's hilarious. My husband is not that old but some of those reminded me of him. He has the worst hearing and memory. lol

I can see what he'll be like in about 20 years. lol

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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Wed Feb 17, 2010 7:06 pm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Strange products from the internet....yes, that is a mood dress. lol

Plus, check out the real pics of an oversized cat & bear.

How mant times have you seen a glass porta potty?

Yes, these are very real pics!

Go figure!

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PostSubject: something to make you smile   Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:24 am

LOL!!!! Glass Port-a-potty!!! go figure. THe mood dress is interesting, and those square watermelons.
Loved these...thanks!!! Talk about huge, that oversized bear and cat! Where did you find these, countrybelle? WOW!!

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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Thu Feb 18, 2010 12:18 pm

There are more here:

http://weirdnews.about.com/od/weirdphotos/ig/Strange-New-Products.-0F7/


This is a quiz to see if you can spot the fakes, that's where I got the cat and bear. They have great pics also.

http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/bl_image_quiz.htm

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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Thu Feb 18, 2010 12:24 pm

During court one busy day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"







PHONES IN CHURCH ?
A man in Topeka ,
> Kansas decided to write a book about churches around
> the country. He started by flying to San
> Francisco and started working east from there.
> > Going to a
> very large church, he began taking photographs and making
> notes.
> > He spotted a
> golden telephone on the vestibule
> wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read
> "Calls: $10,000 a minute.."
> > Seeking
> out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The
> pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct
> line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly
> to GOD.
> > The man thanked the
> pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit
> churches in Seattle , Dallas ,
> Chicago , Milwaukee ,
> and many cities and towns all around the United States , he
> found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer
> from each pastor.
> > Finally, he
> arrived in Arkansas ,
> upon entering a church in the beautiful Ozark region of
> Arkansas , behold - he saw the usual golden telephone.
> But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents"
> > Fascinated, he
> asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in
> cities all across the country and in each church I have
> found this golden telephone and have been told it is a
> direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in
> the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign
> reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"
> >
> The pastor, smiling broadly,
> replied, "Son, you're in Arkansas now ...
> You're in God's Country. It's a
> local call."
>

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mohala
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Thu Feb 18, 2010 1:27 pm

Ok both of those are to funny. But the last one is part true though in some religions, they do charge you an arm and a leg to come in and worship.
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Thu Feb 18, 2010 5:06 pm

I especially love the court joke HA HA HA HA HA Very Happy
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