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 Something To Make You Smile

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countrybelle2004
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Fri Dec 11, 2009 11:23 am

So cute. I see molasses in a whole new way. lol

Poor Jerves, how embarrassing for him. lol
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PostSubject: The Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste   Sat Dec 12, 2009 10:33 am

The Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure."She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Sat Dec 12, 2009 12:08 pm

Oh man! That's going to be me someday. lol
My husband acts like that alot. He's only 43 but dang if he can remember anything. lol
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Fri Dec 18, 2009 10:10 am

The Strangest Wal Mart Customer

Dear Mrs. Denner,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Denner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away."
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour in our store.
Regards, Wal-Mart (Thanks Bradley)
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Fri Dec 18, 2009 3:45 pm

Good one, but if that were my husband...ooh la la would he ever be in trouble! lol
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Sat Dec 19, 2009 8:41 am

You said it.
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:55 pm

A Nun asked her Sunday School class to write a note to God........

Dear GOD: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones You have? ~~Johnny

Dear GOD: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. ~~Na

Dear GOD: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? ~~Norma

Dear GOD: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. ~~Joyce

Dear GOD: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before You can look it up. ~~Bruce

Dear GOD: My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? ~~Marsha

Dear GOD: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. ~~Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. ~~Sara
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Sat Jan 09, 2010 7:13 pm

Subject: God's Sense of Humor

Who said the Creator doesn't have a sense of humor?

... told a true story about the pastor of his church.

He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to
come down.  The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down.  The tree was not sturdy enough to  climb, so
the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that
the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then
figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would  be bent
sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.  But as he moved the car a little further
forward, the rope broke.

The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of
sight.

The pastor felt terrible.  He walked all over the neighborhood asking people
if they'd seen a little kitten.  Nobody had seen a stray kitten.

So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on
about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his  church
members.

He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed  to see cat food. 
This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her,

"Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her  little girl
had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.  Then a few days
before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told  her little girl,
"Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on  her
knees, and ask God for a cat.  And really, Pastor, you won't  believe this, but I
saw it with my own eyes.  A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky,
with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Never underestimate the Power of God and Her/His unique sense of humor.
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PostSubject: The Chocolate Calculator   Wed Jan 13, 2010 1:22 am

Hi, this applied to 2009, but hey, it's about chocolate! :-))

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute ...
Work this out as you read ..
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

2.. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ....
If you haven't, add 1758.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Wed Jan 13, 2010 9:40 am

That's crazy! It worked exactly for me. (435)

Is it not simply amazing the things that math and science conquer?

Excellent!
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Wed Jan 13, 2010 2:58 pm

Tha't a cute one Shamashe.I like this one. How'd they do that?
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PostSubject: A Nasty Bug Going Around   Mon Jan 18, 2010 9:10 am

Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left.
The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.
He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Mon Jan 18, 2010 10:42 am

So funny! We know about those bad bugs going around dont we, Mohala. lol
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Mon Jan 18, 2010 2:09 pm

Yes we do.
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PostSubject: Baby Makes Friends With Boxer   Sat Jan 23, 2010 12:20 pm

Baby Boxer Handshake
I saw this on the net today. It is the cutest video. Check it out.



CLICK HERE TO SEE THE CUTEST VIDEO
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Sun Jan 24, 2010 2:52 am

> What was my mother thinking?
>
> My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same
> cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to
> get food poisoning.
>
> My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it
> raw sometimes too, our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a
> brown paper bag not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting
ecoli?
>
> Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of
> a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
>
> The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a
> pager was the school PA system.
>
> We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of
> High top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training
athletic
> Shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't
recall
> Any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much
safer
> we are now.
>
> Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must
> Be much harder than gym.
>
> Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson [and provided comic
> relief] by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and
> hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only
knew
> we could have sued the school system.
>
> Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem and
> staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative
> attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.
>
> I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or
> condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did
> give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting
> the sniffles.
>
> What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses?
> Ours wore a hat and everything.
>
> I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was
> Allowed to be proud of myself.
>
> I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station,
> Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
>
> I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the
> Denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day
> about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant lot, built forts out of
> Branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be
> the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on
> that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence
> around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared
> intruder alarm.
>
> Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got
> that bee sting? I could have been killed!
>
> We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant
> Construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle
> of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine
> did) and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency
> room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then
> Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly
> Vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
>
> We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we
> got our butt spanked (physical abuse) here too and then we got butt
spanked
> again when we got home.
>
> Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked
> down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks
> (Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough .. it wasn't so that they
> could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car
> with leaded gas.
>
> Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure
> that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on
> two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger
> they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.
>
> Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I didn't even know
> that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an
> automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents? Of
> course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from
> next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just
> before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned
our
> house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It
> was a neighborhood run amuck.
>
> To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they
> were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
> We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes?
>
> We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even
> notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever
> survive?
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Thu Jan 28, 2010 9:45 am

Shamashe this is so funny but true, brings back chidhood memories.
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Thu Jan 28, 2010 9:48 am

Plastic Packaging - The DUMBEST IDEA EVER

The other day I went out to buy a cassette adapter for my iPod, so that I could play it in my car (the fact that I still manage to have a cassette player in my car is not up for discussion). Upon anxiously removing it from the yellow plastic Best Buy bag (shameless plug), I couldn't wait to plug it in and get to jammin BUT unbeknownst to me when I bought it, it was packaged in one of those Fort Knox plastic encasements that can only be opened by Edward freakin Scissorhands!!!

What is with this REDICULOUS packaging?!?!?!? Let's think about what is packaged like this: cassette adapters, batteries, remote controls, cheap cell phones and their accessories, etc. etc. etc
.
Let's think about what is NOT packaged like this: Guns, drugs (OTC or not), women of the night”(there's an idea), anything poisonous, cigarettes, or basically anything dangerous at all!
Who's idea was this? I have gone over the possibilities in my head as to why companies would do this, and they are all
preposterous!!!

They are:
Theft deterrent: yes, because stealing is supposed to be the hard part, not opening the stolen merchandise!!!

Attractive Packaging: Really…I mean…REALLY!
So that you can hang it on the #%#% display case: One word: SHELF

Demonstration of Value: eh hem…I have never seen anything worth more than $20 in this type of packaging…have you? Plus, the only thing I value after opening one of these is the time I lost trying to blow the packaging open with an M60 (which also didn’t work, and didn't come in a plastic case).

It is time to do away with this #%#% plastic skin on products!!! And if you just gotta have it…use it on something that makes sense! You want a crime deterrent? Put weapons in this #%#% plastic packaging!!! Half of these idiots out there will cut their hands open trying to dig it out and not be able to hold the gun anyway.

Oh, and my favorite EVER: Scissors are packaged like this!!! SCISSORS!! How in your face is this? “Yeah, you wish you could get in here to these scissors…but you need them to OPEN THIS PACKAGE!!!”
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:32 pm

Ok. I had to post this one. It is too funny.

Real Excuse Notes
These are actual excuse notes (original spelling intact) from some of the most unintentionally hilarious parents around:

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Sun Jan 31, 2010 2:30 pm

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In
a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the
line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy
speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because
I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but
it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went
flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed.
"I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't
have a daughter named Susan."
"Gosh, Mom, "came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Sun Jan 31, 2010 2:30 pm

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic.
Driving to work this morning on I-95 I look over to my left and there's this woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I look away for a couple seconds and when I look back she's halfway over in my lane. Scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee."
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Mon Feb 01, 2010 2:39 am

Hi all, just on a few minutes here - long enough to offer a smile :-))

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to

REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.


If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,

"Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:



COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?


COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking

about buying a computer.


ABBOTT: Mac?


COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.


ABBOTT: Your computer?


COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


ABBOTT: Mac?


COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.


ABBOTT: What about Windows?


COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?


ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?


COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?


ABBOTT: Wallpaper.


COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.


ABBOTT: Software for Windows?


COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write

proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?


ABBOTT: Office.


COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?


ABBOTT: I just did.


COSTELLO: You just did what?


ABBOTT: Recommend something.


COSTELLO: You recommended something?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO: For my office?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?


ABBOTT: Office.


COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!


ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.


COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm

sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


ABBOTT: Word.


COSTELLO: What word?


ABBOTT: Word in Office.


COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.


ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.


COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?


ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".


COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some

straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?


ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.


COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your

business. Just tell me what I need!


ABBOTT: Real One.


COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can

I watch them?


ABBOTT: Of course.


COSTELLO: Great! With what?


ABBOTT: Real One.


COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I

do?


ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".


COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?


ABBOTT: The blue "1".


COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?


ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.


COSTELLO: What word?


ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.


COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!


ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.


COSTELLO: It is?


ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty

much wiped out all the other Words out there.


COSTELLO: And that word is real one?


ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't e v en part

of Office.


COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?

You have anything I can track my money with?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?


ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.


COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?


ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.


COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?


ABBOTT: One copy.


COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?


ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.


COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?


ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?


COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"....... Very Happy
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Shamashe
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Mon Feb 01, 2010 2:48 am

Mohala, your joke cracked me up.

Here's two, real life stories:

1. I was driving on the freeway and saw this woman really speeding up the freeway - probably doing 90! I just happened to see her license plate which said, Mariah! (like the song "call the wind Mariah" - not the singer)


2. A friend of mine works for Apple as a tech and told me that a lady came in really upset because her coffee mug holder broke off of her CPU - after blinking several times and clearing his throat to quell his laughter, he asked her to show him the problem - which was the CD slider of course! Well, it looks kinda like a mug holder :-))))))
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mohala
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Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Mon Feb 01, 2010 9:26 am

Shamashe
Girl your Abbott and Costello is to funny. And your real stories are as well. Well you've made my day by starting it off with a laugh. Thankyou so much.

~Mohala~
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mohala
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PostSubject: Re: Something To Make You Smile   Mon Feb 01, 2010 9:37 am

A funny I came across today. This one is a true story also.

We were really confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, a colleague came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."
--Patricia Longbottom
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